SHADOW WORK
The parts of you you push away.
Shadow work means getting to know what's hidden in you, good and bad: feelings, needs, desires and strengths you learned to push out of sight. Hidden, they don't disappear. They show up in what draws you, in reactions you don't understand, in symbols, and in how you see the world. Owned, they hold energy you've been missing.
THE SIGNS
You might recognise some of this.
Some people irritate you far more than they should.
You put certain people on a pedestal, then feel small next to them.
Praise for a strength feels like it's about someone else.
You envy someone, and feel ashamed of it.
You're certain how people are, and they keep proving you right.
You're drawn to a certain kind of person, and can't say why.
The same dreams, images or kinds of story keep pulling at you.
You act first and find the reason afterwards.
Strong feelings come out sideways: sarcasm, coldness, sudden tears.
The same argument keeps happening, with different people.
You're tired in a way rest doesn't fix.
NOT ONE STORY
Not a dark side. Just what's hidden.
The idea comes from Carl Jung, and there's nothing mystical about it. The shadow is simply what's hidden from you: everything you pushed out of awareness, or never let grow. In plain terms, it's part of your unconscious.
In my view, it holds the good as much as the bad. Anger and envy end up there, but so do tenderness, talent, ambition, playfulness and need, if they weren't welcome where you grew up. Jungians call the good part the golden shadow.
It also drives more of your life than it seems to. Who you fall for, what you love, the music, places and stories you're drawn to, moods that arrive from nowhere, things you do and only explain afterwards. When you don't know why you love what you love, or do what you do, the shadow is usually part of the answer.
It isn't only feelings. Needs, desires, memories, whole parts of who you are, and truths you couldn't afford to know, like a parent who didn't love you well or a life you aren't happy in, can all go there.
Jung paired it with the persona: the face you show the world. The more polished that face has to be, the more has to go behind it. The very good child, the always-calm professional and the person everyone relies on often carry the biggest shadows.
What goes in depends on the family and the culture. A boy taught that tears are weak, a girl taught that anger is ugly, a child praised only for being easy: each learns to hide something. Families have shadows too, the things nobody talks about, and one child often ends up carrying them as "the difficult one".
HOW IT SHOWS UP
Because it's hidden, it speaks indirectly.
In how you see the world
The shadow works like a lens. Hide your own need, and needy people look weak. Hide your ambition, and ambitious people look greedy. Hide your fear, and the world looks more dangerous than it is. You don't see the lens, only the view.
In what draws you
Chemistry with a certain kind of person, a style, a place, a piece of music that moves you more than it should. Attraction often points to something of yours: a quality you hid, or something that feels like home, for better or worse.
In what you do without knowing why
Impulses, choices and habits you only explain after the fact. The reason you give is often not the real one.
In how you read people
A neutral face looks cold. A late reply looks like rejection. A kind gesture looks like it must have a catch. The meaning arrives before you've had a chance to think.
In symbols
Dreams, images that stay with you, the films, songs and stories you keep going back to. The unconscious tends to speak in pictures before it speaks in words.
In reactions
What you can't see in yourself, you see in others: the irritation, the contempt, the outrage that's a little too strong.
In admiration
The golden shadow, handed to someone else. A mentor, partner or public figure who seems to have everything you lack.
In the opposite extreme
Loudly against something you secretly want. The harshest judge of other people's freedom is often the one holding back the most.
In the shadow of a virtue
The nice one who quietly resents everyone. The helper who needs to be needed. The calm one who is never allowed to be angry.
In patterns
The same kind of partner, boss or argument, again and again. Pulling back just as something starts going well.
In the body
Tension and tiredness you can't explain, moods that arrive from nowhere, feelings in the body before you know what they are.
In groups
Groups do it too. An outsider ends up carrying what the group won't see in itself.
In my view, the shadow isn't a dark side. It's simply what's hidden, good and bad. And because it's out of sight, it shapes how you see everything. Shadow work is learning to see the lens, not just the view.
WHY IT MATTERS
What you push away pushes back.
Trying not to think about something tends to bring it back.1 Holding a feeling down takes effort, and the body stays more stirred up while you do it.2 In my view, a lot of unexplained tiredness is exactly this: energy spent keeping something out of sight.
What we won't see in ourselves, we often see everywhere else. In experiments, people who were told they had unwanted traits, and tried not to think about them, were more likely to see those traits in others.3 Jung called this projection. It's part of why some people get under our skin.
Avoiding what's inside, feelings, memories, thoughts, is linked to many kinds of psychological difficulty.4 The point isn't to act everything out. It's to know it's there, so it stops acting on its own.
SHADOW WORK
Seeing it, not acting it out.
1
Follow the strong reactions
Who annoys you, who you envy, what you judge harshly. They point to what you've hidden.
2
Follow what draws you
The people you fall for, the people you admire, the things you love without knowing why. Attraction often points to your gold: something of yours that hasn't been lived yet.
3
Notice your certainties
What do you always assume about people, or about how life goes? Assumptions you never question are often the shadow speaking.
4
Pay attention to symbols
Dreams, images and stories that keep coming back. Ask what they mean to you, not what a dream dictionary says.
5
Ask where it went
When did this stop being allowed? Who didn't like it, and what did you get for hiding it?
6
Find its healthy form
Anger can become boundaries. Envy can show you what you want. Need can become asking.
IN A SESSION
Seeing it, safely.
In a session we look at what you've pushed away, and what it costs you to keep it there. Gently, at your pace. Nothing has to be acted out, only seen.
It's one of the areas I know best, and one most people never get to talk about.
QUESTIONS
What people usually ask.
What is shadow work?
Getting to know the parts of yourself, good and bad, that are hidden from you, and finding a place for them. The idea comes from Carl Jung.
Is the shadow my dark side?
No. It's whatever is hidden, good or bad. Anger can be in the shadow, but so can confidence, softness or talent.
Is shadow work spiritual or mystical?
Not the way I use it. It's a psychological idea: what's outside your awareness still shapes what you do and how you see things.
Why am I drawn to people or things without knowing why?
Part of the answer is often in the shadow. We're drawn to what we hid in ourselves, and to what feels familiar from early life, even when it isn't good for us.
How does the shadow show up?
Indirectly, because it's unconscious: in dreams and symbols, in strong reactions to other people, and in the way you read the world without noticing you're reading it.
Can I do shadow work on my own?
Some of it, yes: writing, noticing your reactions, your dreams. The hard part is that the shadow is, almost by definition, what you can't see. Another person helps.
What are shadow work prompts?
Questions that point at what's hidden, like "what do I judge most in others?" or "what was I told off for as a child?". They're a start, not the work itself.
Is shadow work the same as trauma work?
Not quite. Shadow work is about what's hidden in you. Trauma work is about what happened to you, and painful memories need slower, steadier handling. The two often overlap, which is why it's worth going gently.
Is shadow work dangerous?
It can stir up strong feelings, so go gently. If you're in crisis, or very fragile right now, steadier ground comes first.
SOURCES
Where this comes from.
Most of these studies show links, not proof of cause. Where something is my own view, the page says so.
- Wegner, D. M. et al. (1987). Paradoxical effects of thought suppression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53(1), 5–13. Read it →
- Gross, J. J. & Levenson, R. W. (1997). Hiding feelings: the acute effects of inhibiting negative and positive emotion. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 106(1), 95–103. Read it →
- Newman, L. S., Duff, K. J. & Baumeister, R. F. (1997). A new look at defensive projection: thought suppression, accessibility, and biased person perception. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72(5), 980–1001. Read it →
- Hayes, S. C., Wilson, K. G., Gifford, E. V., Follette, V. M. & Strosahl, K. (1996). Experiential avoidance and behavioral disorders: a functional dimensional approach to diagnosis and treatment. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(6), 1152–1168. Read it →
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WHAT THIS ISN'T
Not for a crisis. If you're in danger or thinking about ending your life, call your emergency number now: 112 in Europe, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 in the UK, or your country's local number.