LOW SELF-ESTEEM
When the voice in your head is never on your side.
Low self-esteem is a learned way of seeing yourself, usually picked up early, and it can change. It rarely shifts through affirmations or tips, because it isn't a thinking error. It shifts when you find where the verdict on yourself came from, and stop living by it. That's the work we do in a session.
HOW IT SHOWS UP
You might recognise some of this.
You apologise for things that aren't your fault.
Praise feels awkward. Criticism feels true.
You compare yourself, and always come out behind.
You say yes when you mean no, to keep people happy.
You don't try, so you can't fail.
Even when things go well, you wait to be found out.
None of this means you're broken. These are ways of coping that made sense once, and kept going after they stopped helping.
WHERE IT COMES FROM
Nobody is born thinking they're not enough.
It's learned. Often from a parent who was critical, distant or hard to please. From love that had to be earned. From being compared, bullied, or handed shame that was never yours.1
Over time, the voice that judged you becomes your own voice. It sounds like the truth because you've heard it for so long. But it started somewhere, and what started somewhere can be traced.
WHY TIPS DON'T STICK
You can't argue yourself into feeling worth something.
Affirmations and positive thinking ask the part of you that doesn't believe it to say it anyway. Usually that only makes the gap louder. In one study, people with low self-esteem who repeated “I’m a lovable person” felt worse afterwards, not better.2
What helps is getting to know the part that judges you: whose voice it sounds like, what it's trying to protect you from, and what it needs instead. When it's understood, it gets quieter on its own.
IN A SESSION
How we work on it together.
1
We find the voice
When it gets loud, what it says, and whose voice it really is.
2
We trace it back
Where it started, and what it was protecting you from back then.
3
We try something new
Small, real steps to take between sessions, so the change shows up in your life, not just in the conversation.
QUESTIONS
What people usually ask.
Can low self-esteem really change?
Yes. It was learned, so it can be unlearned. Self-esteem shifts across a lifetime.3 It takes time, and it moves in steps rather than all at once.
Is it a mental illness?
No. It isn't a diagnosis. It's a way of seeing yourself, and it can be worked on directly.
Do I need a therapist for this?
Not necessarily. What helps is someone who sees the pattern clearly and tells you honestly. These sessions aren't therapy, but this is exactly what they work on.
How many sessions will I need?
It depends on you. Every session is booked on its own, and you decide if there's a next one.
SOURCES
Where this comes from.
Most of these studies show links, not proof of cause. Where something is my own view, the page says so.
- Koestner, R., Zuroff, D. C. & Powers, T. A. (1991). Family origins of adolescent self-criticism and its continuity into adulthood. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 100(2), 191–197. Read it →
- Wood, J. V., Perunovic, W. Q. E. & Lee, J. W. (2009). Positive self-statements: power for some, peril for others. Psychological Science, 20, 860–866. Read it →
- Orth, U. & Robins, R. W. (2014). The development of self-esteem. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23(5), 381–387. Read it →
Talk first, or go straight in.
The 20-minute call is free and optional. No payment details, and no pressure to book anything after.
WHAT THIS ISN'T
Not for a crisis. If you're in danger or thinking about ending your life, call your emergency number now: 112 in Europe, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 in the UK, or your country's local number.