OVERTHINKING
When your mind won't let it go.
Overthinking is when your mind keeps circling the same thing without getting anywhere: replaying what happened, rehearsing what might, or trying to read what others think. It feels like problem-solving, but it rarely solves anything. Underneath, it's often fear or shame in disguise, and once you see what's underneath, it can ease.
THE SIGNS
You might recognise some of this.
You replay conversations long after they're over.
You rehearse arguments that may never happen.
A small decision can take you days.
You read meaning into a text, a look, a pause.
Your mind gets loudest at night.
You think about how you feel instead of feeling it.
People see you as calm, and inside it never stops.
You ask for reassurance, and it helps for an hour.
NOT ONE STORY
Not one kind of busy mind.
Some people overthink the future: every way something could go wrong. Some overthink other people: what they meant, what they think of you. Some go over the past again and again, what they said, what they should have done. That last kind has its own name, rumination, and it tends to pull you down rather than keep you on alert.1
And it doesn't only affect you. Constant checking and needing reassurance can wear on the people close to you.2 Sometimes the one overthinking is the one making a relationship tense, without meaning to.
And sometimes it isn't deep at all: a tired brain, too much input, a habit that grew in a stressful time. That still counts.
WHY IT KEEPS GOING
It's trying to protect you.
Overthinking feels like control. If you think it through enough, maybe you won't be caught off guard, won't make the mistake, won't be rejected. The mind keeps working because stopping feels unsafe. Some researchers see worry as a way of bracing, so that bad news never lands as a shock.3 The body pays for it, though: worry keeps the stress response running before and after the thing you're worried about.4
In my view, most overthinking is anxiety in disguise. Underneath the thinking there's usually a fear, or shame, or something you don't want to feel. Circling a problem in your head can be easier than sitting with that. So the thinking speeds up, and the feeling stays where it is.
Often it was learned early, in a home where you had to read the mood to stay safe, or where mistakes cost a lot. Thinking ahead became the way to cope.
The trouble is that thinking can't settle what thinking didn't cause. Some of it needs to be felt, said out loud, or acted on.
HOW TO STOP OVERTHINKING
Not by thinking harder.
1
Notice when it starts
Catching the loop early, before it has the whole evening, makes it easier to step out.
2
Ask what it's protecting
What would you have to feel, or face, if you stopped thinking about this?
3
Get it out of your head
Write it down, say it out loud, or talk it through. A loop loses force outside your head.
4
Bring the body in
A walk, slow breathing, cold water. A calmer body makes for a quieter mind.
5
Act on what you can
Take one small step on the real problem, and leave the rest for now.
IN A SESSION
Talking it through with someone outside it.
In a session we look at what your mind keeps circling, what it's trying to protect you from, and what's underneath it. Sometimes saying it to someone else is the first time it settles.
No thought-stopping tricks. We work with the loop, not against it.
QUESTIONS
What people usually ask.
Why do I overthink everything?
Usually because at some point thinking ahead kept you safe, or kept you from feeling something harder. The habit stays long after it's needed.
Is overthinking the same as anxiety?
In my view, most of the time it's anxiety in disguise: fear or shame dressed up as problem-solving. If worry is taking over your days, see a doctor as well.
How do I stop overthinking at night?
Get it out of your head before bed: write it down and give it a time tomorrow. In one sleep study, people who wrote a to-do list before bed fell asleep faster.5 If you can't sleep, get up for a while instead of arguing with your mind in the dark.
Can overthinking affect relationships?
Yes. Reading into every message and needing reassurance can strain the people close to you,2 and when they pull back, it feeds the overthinking. It works both ways.
What's the difference between overthinking and rumination?
Rumination is going over something painful that already happened, again and again, usually how bad you feel and why. Overthinking is wider: worrying ahead, rehearsing, trying to read others. Rumination tends to pull you down, while most overthinking keeps you on alert.
What if I can't explain what I'm thinking?
That's fine. Many people arrive with a tangle. We untangle it together.
SOURCES
Where this comes from.
Most of these studies show links, not proof of cause. Where something is my own view, the page says so.
- Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E. & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(5), 400–424. Read it →
- Starr, L. R. & Davila, J. (2008). Excessive reassurance seeking, depression, and interpersonal rejection: a meta-analytic review. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 117(4), 762–775. Read it →
- Newman, M. G. & Llera, S. J. (2011). A novel theory of experiential avoidance in generalized anxiety disorder: a contrast avoidance model of worry. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(3), 371–382. Read it →
- Brosschot, J. F., Gerin, W. & Thayer, J. F. (2006). The perseverative cognition hypothesis: a review of worry, prolonged stress-related physiological activation, and health. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 60(2), 113–124. Read it →
- Scullin, M. K. et al. (2018). The effects of bedtime writing on difficulty falling asleep: a polysomnographic study comparing to-do lists and completed activity lists. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 147(1), 139–146. Read it →
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WHAT THIS ISN'T
Not for a crisis. If you're in danger or thinking about ending your life, call your emergency number now: 112 in Europe, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 in the UK, or your country's local number.